You Think We Have An Immigration Problem?

“Columbus sailed the ocean blue, in fourteen hundred and ninety-two.”
Every kid growing up knew that little diddy. It certainly helped me get through the second grade.

And so, today, October 12, we in America celebrate this little known Italian sailor whose own king would not finance him, so he went to Queen Isabella of Spain and schmoozed her into giving him three ships which he named: The Nina, The Pinta, and the Santa Maria. And he muddled his way across the Atlantic and ran into an island, thinking he had found a way around the world. Magellan laughed at him.

All three vessels were small ocean going ships that were good for exploring, but not much else, especially crossing the ocean. Columbus probably got them at the used ship market as they were known by other names. The smallest of the ships, the Pinta, got its name from the mottled color. Pinta is a form of a disease that causes the skin to be discolored, so the ship may well have had many different colors in the wood. But, it was the fastest of the three. The original name was “Los Angeles” but the city in California did not like that such a small ship was named after it, so the crew called it the Pinta, probably after the main staple of the sailors, Pinto Beans. When the ship would get into calm waters, the cook would fix large pots of these beans, feed them to the crew, and then the crew would provide their own propulsion.

The Nina was also a small ship, but only by five feet. That is like saying that your wife is older than you are, but only by a month. You never put in the addendum, you just say, “I married an older and extremely more experienced woman.” Like her sister, the Pinta, she was originally named The Santa Clara. But the sailors on this ship had all known a woman named Clara and she was no saint, although she did take them to Paradise, and they decided that they would not call their ship after such a loose woman out of fear that the boards would not hold together across the ocean. The name Nina is a form of ANNA from the Russian word spoken in French derived from Spanish. It means, “Girl.” And these sailors all felt comfortable riding this girl for long periods of time.

The largest of the ships and Columbus’ flagship was the Santa Maria. Actually, the full name of the ship was “Santa María de la Inmaculada Concepción” but the sign painter had trouble not only fitting the entire name on the boat, but also spelling it. So, he shortened it to Santa Maria. Columbus actually rented the ship from another man who turned out to know America Vespucci, after which the continent was named. The man owed Vespucci some money, so in return, he made Columbus name his discovery after America Vespucci, so we would all remember not to borrow money from guys that made payday loans. The Santa Maria was originally called the La Gallega, but this did not work into the diddy, or any other song, so Santa Maria it was. Being the excellent sailor that he was, Columbus ran Santa Maria aground on Christmas Day in 1492. He ordered the ship dismantled and the wood used for a church in Haiti. He came back to this spot three more times, but managed to not lose a ship. He did, however, collect a myriad of shrunken heads from natives.


These three ships crossed the Atlantic amid terrible conditions. They had live livestock for food (imagine the smell), water and rum to drink (and you wonder why the wandered the ocean blue), but no toilet facilities. We probably can rightfully claim that these people polluted the waters on their way over, thereby starting the whole global warming situation.

Columbus’ arrival in the New World became an official holiday in the US in 1934, although the forethinking state of Colorado made it a state holiday in 1905. With the help of Italian lobbyists and the Knights of Columbus, FDR signed a bill making it a Federal Holiday. So now, all federal institutions are taking the day off (the slackers). Many schools do not recognize this day anymore as a holiday, but rather celebrate it in the school cafeteria with spaghetti or pizza.

So, if you are one of the hard working federal employees enjoying the day off, congratulations. If you are one of them working today, enjoy the time-and-a-half. But remember this:

Columbus did not really “discover” America, it was already here, and its Native populations are all wondering how they could have stopped the immigration.

Doughnut