The Sedentary Man

Being stiff is not new to me. I mean, I get stiff sometimes just watching movies that have a lot of action. STOP! Get your mind out of the gutter.

My age is beginning to show. All I have to do these days to find my self board like is to work in the yard for a few minutes. If I spend time doing any kind of physical activity, then rest, I have trouble getting restarted. My doctor tells me it is arthritis. There is nothing right about it, though.

When I was younger, let's say twenty-five years younger, I could go up and down the court fine with no problems the next day. I even ran two miles a night. Stiffness never occurred the next day. I was in shape; not the body that men craved and women feared, but a slimmer version of the one that plops down in front of the TV each night now. What happened?

Kids.

That's right, my downfall was children. My wife lost all her pregnancy weight and then some and is a beautiful woman. While she dropped all that weight, I went behind her and picked it up. While she was pregnant, I gained sympathy weight, too, but I never lost mine. Suddenly, when the kids ate, I ate. When the TV was on in the evening, I ate. I ate instead of jogged, I ate instead of played... you get the picture. I became sedentary, the typical American. I watched the kids play and ate a sack of fries instead of playing games myself. They loved potato chips, I did too, and I ate a whole bag at a sitting. The body that men craved and women feared suddenly did not have a six pack, but rather developed a keg. I went from Hands Solo to Jabba the Hut.

As I sat around more, my muscles became shorter, and so did I. My kids suddenly were taller than me. Soon, when they move out of my house and take their dog, I will have no one to blame. They won't buy those sugary soft drinks that I can't resist, those mounds of Oreos that I cannot keep my hands off. I will have no excuse for not exercising, for not eating right.

My brother recently lost about forty pounds, about a three year old. I applaud him. I wish I had his drive, his fortitude. But me, I love a good bag of Doritos and Tombstone Pizza.

That will be my epitaph.