Gout

Right off the bat, I want to apologize for yesterday when I missed writing. There are millions out there that are hanging on my every word, I know, but I had to take a day away from the ‘puter (that’s young kid talk for computer) because I had an attack of Gout. Gout, that rich man’s disease, got ahold of me and made my big left toe swell. It was painful, so I took some drugs and slept all day with a heating pad on my foot.

Gout is caused by my kidneys not processing proteins, especially animal proteins. It is also caused by extremely rich pastries. That leaves pretty high amounts of uric acid in my blood, which decides to go on vacation and visit my big toe. At the time of its discovery and naming, it seemed as though only rich people got gout, hence the idea that it is a rich people’s disease. Often called the disease of Kings, Gout has become more prominent in the middle class today. As a form of Arthritis, it is extremely painful and could be disfiguring and debilitating.

I feel, though, that it shows my good social standing, although when I have it, I can rarely stand. King Henry the VIII had it, Sir Isaac Newton, even Ben Franklin had it. Now, I don’t have the compulsion to chop off my wife’s head, discover gravity or even fly a kite, but it seems that I do have the predetermined destiny to drink beer, eat bologna, and have rich fried foods, like doughnuts. All these give me a leg up on getting my feet swollen. The “purines” (whatever they are) in the food decide to pass through my kidneys and set up housekeeping in my ankles, knees, and big toes as a crystalline powder that just sits there and grinds away at the tips of the joints causing the swelling.

Gout got its name from the Latin term Gutta. Which meant drops of blood. The condition was originally thought to be caused by ill humors of the body which could be resolved by blood letting. Those wonderful French called it "goute". Personally, I find little humorous about it; unless the visual image of me lying on the couch with my foot straight up in the air a humorous one.

Ben Franklin went to the Continental Congress to debate the Declaration of Independence with a severe case of gout. Pictures of him depict Dr. Franklin with a cane and his foot wrapped up. I imagine that he was in deep pain and wanted the whole thing over so he could go get some wine, maybe a sprig of broccoli, both of which are now known to cause gout. President Bush I hated broccoli, now we know why.

I’m pretty sure that most of the legislators have gout. If not, they should have. They live high on the hog, eat rich foods, and seem to be at the top of the chain, much like King Henry VIII. And, like Sir Isaac Newton, they all need to have something hit them on the heads to have a sudden epiphany about reality.

Men are more likely to have gout than women. I guess it is because we drink more, exercise less and overall have this genetic predisposition for the ague. Tomorrow,while the Bears are pummeling the Packers on national TV, I will be having a refreshing iced tea, and maybe a finger sandwich made of peanut butter and grape jelly.

GO Bears...Gout Pack.

Doughnut